...... and so the light is fading out... and i think i'll miss those tender photons... hmmphh...

THE TREE

a very bright light shone on my eyelids and made them glow in orange... i was awaken by that ray of light and slowly i opened my eyes... but all i could see was whiteness with some blurry images.. my eyes felt sore due to my long sleep... i waited for my iris to adjust to the light... and gradually the view got clearer...

i could see that i was standing on a grass field... stretched as far as my eyes can see... and at the far end i saw the horizon... it was beautiful... as if the ground and the sky met and becomes a great picture... and the contrast color of green and blue soothes my itchy eyes...

oh the sky... the wide blue sky above me... i tilted my head and i saw it... it was mild blue... very comforting... i stared at it and tried to feel its glory... the pride of it being so high up there...

i ran my eyes across the sky searching for anything when suddenly my eyes felt burned as they focused on the great sun... owh how little i am compared to the mighty sun... i never dare to stare straight at it... the sun was shining brightly and i could feel the heat was burning me... even the grass below me bow to the powers of the sun...

i realized that i had to get out of this burning heat... again i searched the sky for a bunch of white clouds... where i think i might find the comfort of being under its shade... under its tender loving shadows... but to my disappointment there is none... as if all the clouds were avoiding me...

soon i realized, the sky was not my turf... i had to look back down to earth... where my feet were.. where i could firmly stands... i looked across the field... nothing... by this time i was running frantically, hoping to brush off the heat... owh i felt very hopeless...

somehow i managed to recollect my sanity and with all the luck that i have suddenly from nowhere i saw that tree... a bit to far away but anyhow i got to get there... i ran towards it without looking back... i was half joyed when i saw there's a river lies between me and the tree...

from across the river i could see that the tree was not at all in its best health... the leaves are brownish and dying... the bark are peeling off... i felt pity for it... i knew that i could somehow help it.. and at the same time i knew i too needed its help...

but this river prohibited me from getting close to the tree... i'm thinking of swimming across it... the water was shallow... but the current was frightening... it flows with full force... i didnt know why... i'm guessing that there's a heavy downpour up stream... and that didnt help me at all...

how am i going to swim across it... im afraid i will drown for sure... and it is not at all worth it... or should i wait for the current to calm down... ? but will it slow down..?? and if it going to happen... when will it be..?? will i be able to wait that long under this burning heat of the sun..??

or perhaps i should look back up and hope for the clouds... i oughta be optimistic and open to all choices... but... the clouds wont stay... it will drift away with the gushing wind... and further more.. the clouds are way high up in the sky and i can never reach out...

this tree... it needs help... and right now i am the only one here... and maybe i am the only one who can help it...

so well right now... here i am... with all this questioning and never answering... i dwells into the realm of total confusion... and the sun up there is laughing at me... bathing me with the never ending heat... and i guess... i guess i'll die in confusion... ?????

-apik-
16062004

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

first of all today i'm feeling totally fucked up... everything was a mess today... dont know why.. with all this hassle and things that happened around me, i come to a very very intense confusion... oh my my..

people around me looked so excited towards this football/soccer thingy... that Euro Cup or whatever they call it i dont know.. but here i am... a person who no nothing about the most famous game on planet earth... i dont like football... i just dont know why... of coz i can be a poser... but there is no point at it... i'm not being honest... ahahaha i know its not a big deal... not a fan of football doesnt matter at all... but this small thing made me think and ponder about my life... why..?? becoz it made me think... that actually i have nothing to make my life interesting... and when i think more, i came up with a very long list...

i dont like football, i dont smoke, i dont take drugs, i dont go clubbing, my studies are like shit, my future is not certain, in fact maybe i dont have a future, i dont know how to flirt nevertheless to have a girlfriend to share love or whatever feeling that they call it, a lazy bum ( super lazy bum ), not a looker, not even a religious person, have a very bad attitude, doesnt have anything to be proud of... well... to sum it all up, i am a total loser... that is what i am...

and what have i been doing..?? nothing, just throwing away my life... without gaining anything... what do i have inside..?? emptiness... pitch black... i think i'm reaching my breaking point... but i am not ready to break yet... i have to struggle... i need the strenght to struggle... where am i going to get it..??? can i just go to a gas station and fill me up with the best oil they have..?? or should i reach out and grab those high voltage cable so that i have a very strong potential energy..?? if there actually is a swamp demon that can give me strenght if i ate it's vomit then i might go and search for it... well.. aahahhha... i found my uniqueness... i just know how to fantasize... and i live in my fantasy... well here i am... thanks to all those fake reality that i made up... well i'm stuck... thank you very much...

always like this... will always be like this... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

how am i going to pass this friggin course if i keep on skipping classes and quizzes and tests and feel good about it..?? well i wonder how...

as for today i sleep at 6 a.m and woke up at 9.30... i supposed that i cannot sleep... and the reason that i woke up early was becoz of my own urge to go to a test that i should take.. well it was kinda supplementary test... but then as i wake up, i changed my mind and didnt go... i just sit in front of the pc... dowload naruto 87, watch it, watched some vc... then i went off to sleep again... owh and without any feeling of guilt for skipping the test... silly me...so so so silly... i hate my silliness but yet i did nothing to prevent it... see how silly i am...

then woke up again at 4 pm... had a bath and then an idea to tidy up my room popped up... but then i took an hour to gain the determination... and i managed to tidy it up a bit... wohoo... and by 8 o'clock payed asked me to accompany him to tesco.. which something i really want to do becoz i'm craving for the sushi there... and i got the chance to stuff my stomach with some sushi finally... nyumm nyumm...

oooo... actually i've posted a very boring entry...i know... just to fill my urge to write something... i want to write about something else.. but i think it is not very appropriate at this moment... i shouldnt write something that 100% purely entirely based on my assumptions... and i also think that i should stop making assumptions.. becoz it is like cheating myself... creating some fantasies for myself... when the real world is actually way more complex... and my life right now is like chasing a beautiful butterfly and try to catch it with my barehand... and the disadvantage is that i cannot fly... *sigh*

owh so it was done... everything was done accordingly... the Audiowarfare had officially ended just now... and the outcome..? well we got second place... something that honestly we... and i myself personally.. dont even dare to hope and dream of winning... we never expected it... true... we do think we suck big time... or me.. i suck big time... i cant hear my guitar... and i got lost and out of tempo... but still the judge was 'kind' enuff to give us second place... why..? i dont know.. maybe i am too cute to handle... heheheh.... so they cant stand my cuteness and had to give us a chance... if we got the first place it would be too obvious.. so they just put us at the second place and still feel good about it... well you see... my cuteness do serve me well... hahahahahahahahha ( perasan nye )

but seriously... other bands are way much better than us... ( well not for all bands... there are actually some bands who suck big time too... i mean really... big time... ahahahah... ) but anyhow.. i dont care... the things had past and everyone seemed to be quite happy with it... so i think i should be happy...

should be happy aight..? but i feel nothing... i tried to pretend to be happy.. in front of others.. but actually... for me... i dont feel anything..yes i did feel surprised.. but it didnt make me feel happy bout it... i dont rejoice at all...

the things is... well... that happy feeling is just nothing... if you dont share it with someone important... well at least at first i do think that i have that someone important... but thats just me who feels that way... its not/never a two way feeling... hmmm...

an irony.. that is... with all this happy moments around me but still i'm feeling down... you can see it just by looking at this entry... so much to say aight..?? hmmm... hmmm.. i dont know what to feel... or think or do or whatever i should... arghh... i hate this kind of crisis... the crisis of what to feel.. or how to feel..

but i know one thing... right now... just go get some sleep and let see what tomorrow have in store for me... hope for something good... never hope for something better or best...

zzzzZzZZzZzzZzZzz

hiah... lately i am too busy to even think about things... with all this MMUsic thingy and of coz *cough cough* my studies, i am occupied enuff to not to think about other things... but subconsciously there are still other things thats bugging me inside... and i am like in a state of confusion... or perhaps maybe i am in a state where i made up assumptions to feed my own curiosity... to satisfy my self i subsequently made up assumptions that's bias towards me... i will simulate things in my mind and let the simulation to follow my story board... i know that i should not do this... becoz i am like cheating my own self.. its like me having a two me.. and one is so naive that he totally believe what the other told him even though everything was made up... and just by that i can go on smiling for half a decade... owh crap...

but what if my assumptions are not totally meaningless... what if.. even for a fraction of a second that it becomes true... owh my... well i will be the luckiest person ever walked the earth... but they say that you'll never know if you never try... and so i think... i should try my luck with you...

hmmmm i am trying your luck..!!!