The End Of An Era - Hopesfall

my searching eyes have never been so intrigued to see you, i guess
you found a way to make ten minutes last forever,
with each passing moment we drift further away...
closer to our chosen paths

but i can't help remembering what was...
what might have been
but i have been warned by those who have
passed this way before,
and to them i am grateful
and as for you i am also grateful
and i pray that you find the peace
you have been longing for.

Nerdy - Poison The Well

Why do your eyes paralyze me
What makes me feel this way
Just carry me away with silence and heartbeats
As rapid thinking about your embrace
and how it makes me feel
I just want to feel this way forever
Sleep on portraits painted as perfect as you
Why have I been given the chance to fly
When I'm not with you I feel lesser alone
I remember your face / imprinted on angels
Your voice as beautiful / as the sounds of waves
crashing against my heart
Time slows down when you look at me
I'm infatuated with this / infatuated with you
It's so hard for me to understand why
I hadn't found you before
don't dull away hold my hand

ahahaha.. i donno what to say... but these lyrics do describe what i am feeling right now..

why am i bored..?? why am i lonely..?? why do i think i am lonely..?? why do i bother to think that i am lonely..?? am i alone..?? do i even 'have' myself..?? or am i just a hollow being..?? do these questions relevant..?? or is it of a very high importance..?? and should i seek for the answer..?? well maybe thats the purpose of my existence..?? and at the first place, why do i exist..?? if my existence is just to find the answer for the reason of my existence... so then whats the whole point of existing..?? and whats the point of asking if i know that there is no answer..?? and did you notice that i have a lot of question but no answer...??

have you ever felt depressed..?? and why did you..?? have you ever been depressed just becoz you dont know why u exist..?? have you ever been depressed just becoz u dont know why this whole thing called life, world and universe exist..?? well perhaps you dont even ask these questions rite..?? and do you think science can explain everything..?? and do you think your mind is limitless..? do i ..???

why do humans have two legs..?? and walk on two legs..?? why do birds fly..?? why do flowers dont speak..?? or even make a sound..?? why does water liquid..? why..??

everything i see, i hear, i smell... up to now... everything have been explained by science... but is it a true explaination... that is not the explaination of reasons, that is the explaination of mechanism.. how things work... it is how.. not why...what am i looking for right now are reasonings...

and why did you frown while you read this..? and why did you think i am a stupid bastard while you read this..?? why did you judge me as someone stupid for asking this..?? and who do you think you are..??? or what do you think you are..??? do think you know who you really are..?? if you do then tell me...

MMUsic Society's button badge... yeah

some words from my lecturer today struck my thinking nerves... he said that nowdays students are being taught using a very efficient tools such like those multimedia teaching methods that will help students "understands" better by having animations and sounds and all... well he said actually this will diminished the students ability to imagine... becoz they are fed with those animation and all kinds of ways to improve their comprehension... and so this will effect them when they face a relatively new problem that is very conceptual... and if you cant even imagine whats the problem is, then you cant find the way how to settle it...

yeah i totally agree with him... imagination is the essence to creativity... it is very very important... human starts to imagine way back when they first starts to walk on two feets... and they build civilisations upon imagination... upon dreams... everything through out human history is driven and achieved thru out dreams... those legendary leaders were all dreamers... big time... and then out of these imaginations and dreams then come the knowledge on how to realize it...

enuff for now... i just have to write something...

argh.... now i am mad... just now i've wrote a very long entry... and then when i was about to publish it the network was down for a while.. the problem is that we have three pc's in our room and we use a switch... and there is this pc... my friend's pc that is not that stable yet... when the pc is switched on or off, the switch will somehow cut off the connection... and we have to actually unplug the uplink cable and plug it back again just to connect back to the network... so right now i am looking into this problem...

what about my unpublished post..?? erkh... i cant remember the exact words but i'll try to type it back again... and this time i'll make sure the connection is on first before i publish it...

guess i write later on...

i just woke up... had an awful lot of sleep today... first becoz i was so bored and had nothing to do so i just sleep away to fill in the gap... what gap i do not know.. just put it to finish my line... huh... and then i am forced to sleep again to heal myself... you see, i had dinner at Kenanga (hb1 foodcourt)... i ordered nasi goreng tomyam (never know there's such a menu) and a vanilla coke... nothing happened... get back to my room... 'lepak'ing around... playing CS a few rounds... boredom struck me... try to play my guitar... and then, thats when i feel something unusual... suddenly i had a very heavy headache and my stomach starts to feel kinda ugly... i tried to fight back but it wont stop.. i had to lay down for a moment... and then i had the signs that i'm about to vomit.. rushed to the toilet and voila... i vomit up... and again i was like shocked to see my vomit was reddish.. like it was bleeding... i wasnt sure whether it was blood or not... anyway i felt a lot better after that...

so i went back to my room feeling a bit relief... and then i told about it to someone... but then... i started to feel the samething... lay down again... and after a few minutes had to force myself to toilet again... and this time i was pretty sure that i vomit some blood... and with some chunks of what i had during dinner... and again after that i felt the same relieving sensation...

someone told me to go to the doctor... but i think it wasnt that bad... becoz i was feeling a bit better again... and the cycle continued... again the headache return... couldnt stay up anymore... so i laid down... my whole body felt kind of weird.. like i was gonna have a bad fever or something... i felt cold and hot at the same time.. seriously... and then i fell asleep... i guess around 12...

and so at 4.30 i woke up... feeling good again...and this time it is for real... yeah well i am healed up... i've told you it was temporary... but what had caused it i dont know... might be food poisoning... might be not... but i cant think other thing... other than food poisoning... coz i am well and fine before i had that dinner...

So i had to blame on something... and i choose to blame Kenanga.. demit... i wont eat there again... (well maybe) hehehe...

humm... so what am i going to do rite now... ?? sleepy..?? not.. bored..?? yeah... in mood of contemplation..? way no... ok.. stopped here...

owh blog... i am so sorry for ignoring you during this while.. it is that i am very busy right now... not that i am forced to be busy, but i made myself busy so that i wont feel bored and lonely.. hahaha.. i think i'll update later... i am so sorry...

humm... well this is my final result for this so-called version6 layout... well i might put some upgrades later on... just that, right now i dont want to think about that yet...

ok just now i watched the quarter final of Thomas Cup, between Malaysia and Indonesia... and i have to say it was very disappointing... it is truly like shit.. i am not sure whether i should be mad at Indonesia or at my own countrymen... well perhaps i'm very mad at Roslin Hashim for his weak performance.. he was beaten in just a mere 12 minute.. well i know the opponent was somewhat strong, but then, you should have struggled... you just cant let the man won that easily... arghh.. stop.. i'll kill an Indon if i keep on thinking about it... huhuhuh...

hmm... its the second week of the semester and i am like feeling sooooo lonely here... without those familliar faces... well those intern friends of mine keep on rambling about how they feel very "sangap" at this time, but well then perhaps i am feeling that way too... so then i think i should get myself busy... just make myself busy.. even fake a busy.... then maybe i might not be in the kingdom of boredom anymore... wuuuhuuu...

i am on a very straight road when suddenly there is a blockade... so now i have two choices... whether i should turn back and follow another path, or should i get over the blockade, or get thru it somehow, which is in turn very very hard to do.. so basically normal people will turn back, and look for another route, but then it will take a little time... and that road perhaps is a bit winding... but for me, it is better to stay on the road and try to pass the obstacle... becoz the road that i have taken have given me a lot... and i would never ever leave something that precious to me... so the only way is to keep on moving ahead... which is, unfortunately right now, i am facing the most difficult obstacle to overcome, the one that will cost me a lot of time, and maybe somewhat will effect my whole journey after this... so be it!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont even care... and i myself dont even sure how to deal with it... the situation is very intense... please shed some light...

owh...!!!

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owh... i'm in the middle of changing my layout.. yet again.. hahahahah...
and rite now i am so sleepy that i cannot finish it off... well guess i gotta sleep... and yeah.. the blogger itself had change the layout.. something quite refreshing... hehehhe... and by the way.. my new theme is polaroids.. well got some inspiration from punkrockvids site and rapid hope loss video... hahahahha....

a copy and paste... read on... huhuhuhu

QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going
along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things
about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or
two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends
that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are
not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as
confused as you are. You look at your job. It is not even close to what
you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the
same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they
weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and
what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger.
You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than
usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past
with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and
further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move
forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we
can to figure this whole thing out. We are making a lot of mistakes, but
helping one another learn from them and reaching out to pull one another up. We are not the shiniest group of people, but we are very much a circle. We are there for one another and will listen and grow for the rest of our lives.

We will piss one another off, but we will also heal one another's
hearts. We are the group who sometimes doesn't need words but will laugh at the end of a conversation that started with angry words.

We are friends and in 10 years, when we have figured out where we fit
in in this world, we will still be friends always and forever.

so now its May once again.... and i cant help from thinking what i always do during this time of the year... time really fly so fast that i cant even keep up with it... and i cant even keep up with my own age... or should i think that my age isnt suitable for me right now..?? for my own act and behaviour... for my under develop mind and thoughts..?

ok.. its not about that really... i can always ignore my age... ( maybe up until the age of 33....) what really concerns me rite now is how things always have some kind of time restriction... like... you have a certain time to finish a certain mission... and always.. like i said before.. the due date chokes me... and in real world... this kind of time restriction will effect your whole life... i mean your entire life... your dreams and your ambitions... these things have some certain time frame... if you cant fulfill it in the time given... then you are doomed... ahahaha.... the systems of the world... to some extent... very ridiculous... but still its the world that we live in.. the only world.. and we all love it.. the only world but yet we love it thru and thru...hmmm

its May and i still cant come with a firm decision yet... i should forget about it... ignore the routine... its not that important anymore... i know that.. forget forget forget forget forget forget forget forget forget.... huh!!!!!!!!! ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore... arghh!!!!!

ok stop... lets look forward.. as always...