Rediscovering : Romance

yes... a sequel to yesterday's post...
kinda emotional... kinda sentimental... just watched Wicker Park... a very great movie... love-will-prevail kinda movie... and right now listening to Keane... ouh... ahahaha...

well i think i'll continue to recap 2004, this time perhaps about my emotional journey...

its like forever, i've been looking, or trying to find love... for my whole life, everything just seemed to get along with me, except this one thing, that is love.... they say love drive people... they say love gives you the strength to struggle, to survive... and so, if i dont need to struggle then i thought i dont need love... or perhaps thats why love keeps avoiding me in the past, coz maybe i dont need it...

but then, somehow somewhere along the way, i got strangled in a web, i got lost, detoured from my supposedly straight life, and my happy go lucky life turned into a long, devastating and constant failure... i mean, everything, i felt like i'm losing my bestfriends, i'm losing my 'genius self', i'm losing my faith, i'm losing my grasp on reality... and i tried to resort to love, in hope that it'll save me...

and in the past 4 years of my university life, i've been trying to seek it, and wasting all the effort, the energy and the strength on it, when actually i dont need to... coz if, if only in the end i could know that all those were not worthwhile, i wont and never will seek it... and right now, i'm absolutely sure that it really is unworthy... coz the love that i've been aftering before was just a false alarm, it was not at all on par with the love that i've embraced right now...

and 2004 helps me... the year helps me to look through the delusion, the hallucination that i myself created... 2004 guided me, and healed me, and then gave me what i've been longing for... 2004 taught me to learn the truth, and taught me to move on, and then carry on...

2004 gives me huda yusoff... i love her like i love myself...

and i hope 2005 will give me back my happy go lucky life...

Rediscovering

i dont think i can write something meaningful ( or did i ever write one? ) today coz my straight mind is clouded with this happy feeling... hahaha... my world of today is like living in a biosfera on the surface of the moon... you can jump higher than on earth... and gravity wont pull you too hard if you're falling down and you can always bounce back easily... okay actually i cannot interpret that metaphor myself... hahaha... its not at all connected...

well, its gonna be another year... another year of being nothing... and nothingness itself has a distinct shape... this 2004, it did teach me a lot of things... things which i think i'll never understand but i managed at last, to find their meanings...

of being lonely, of being a self-proclaimed loser, of being rejected, of being accepted, of being in love, of rediscovering romance, of being a spoilt university student, of not struggling where i should, of struggling where i shouldnt, of being remorseful of everything...

hahaha... everything, sums up, and become one true entity, happiness... and i wont dare to devise a test to know how long will this happiness last... coz i dont know if i can take it...

i want to welcome you 2005, but i dont have the anticipation, i am sorry, hope you'll bring me more happiness...

The Irony

i'm in grief... despite the fact that i am super-happy but still yesterday's disaster made me think... people all over are suffering from loss of their loved ones... just in a blink, happiness was turned into misery and sadness...

how magical i might say... when you're happy, there's always someone who's sad... taking advantage of that, you can always say this " no matter how miserable you are, there's always someone out there who's condition is worse than yours.." to relief yourself...but i dont like that phrase... i wish, i wish everyone would be as happy as i am... or perhaps i wish i can make everyone happy... but i'm powerless...

i wonder, of all those people who died on that tragic day, how many of them were happy... it might be something very depressing if you're dying when there's so much that you hope to achieve before you die... i like to think what they were thinking when they were washed away by the mighty tsunami... or were they just went blank?

the big grief... the big thought... its their fate and i know i shouldnt be thinking about it...

pull me out... put me in the cloud of happiness...

Scared!

it is that time again where you're feeling insecure over something that seemed solid... you know it is there but you're unsure if it is for real or not...

it is your lack of seriousness that made you yourself feels like that... and the thought of losing it is something unbearable...

smiles... they mean a thousand... and they have thousand meanings... and smile is when you're sad... and smile is when you're hiding something... and smile is when sincerity tickles your heart...

silence... is a state where comfortable and compatibility plays its part... its the comfort of just staring through and looking for the shine... and no words would be appropriate to describe its own definition...

you think you finally figure it out... to me myself, i'll never learn...
tell me if this is for real... well maybe if you're by my side, i'll be able to reach the sky...
you finally found me...

History Is To Cherish...

its not a great history, its just your personal experience.. of people, places and doings... and in rare occurances, perhaps successes and achievements... this is your personal history, a life long, unrecorded history, memories that only lives on in your deteriorating mind... unforgettable but hidden, waiting to be unfolded or buried forever...

history is to be laugh at, not hate at, nor diss at... history is to be learn of, not to be forgotten... history is to be missed, and to hope that it will repeat itself, but knowing the fact that we're just on a one way journey without a point to U-turn, then history is nothing than just mere happenings... cant be revisited...

how many times you try to relive the past, yet you'll just made another different history... and how many times you talked about history, yet you'll just forget it more and more...

the best history is when you think you've had enough... when you think you've had the best time of your life, and will no longer anticipate the future... and surprises will no longer amuse you... and you think life has to go on...

but the ultimate challenge is, whether you can be a part of the history or not, after your death!

Hate This Soil!

i'm back in MMU... damn... i hate... but its okay... i wont bother to hate it coz i'm gonna think bout other things this place has to offer...

got to be some more change in my life..

blog is for writing in about your pathetic life.. i know... but my life isnt at all pathetic... its not worth mentioning here...

i'm missing my school life... damn... hahaha

i'm taking this thing to another direction... need to be more serious...

The Banjir(Flood) Aftermath

oh hell... i think i'm going to recap what happened during the flood.. from my personal experience and my point of view.. its not important but i just feel that i want to..oh here it goes..

11.12.2004
the day was windy... a lot of black clouds were forced inland.. i was pretty sure it's raining in the rural Kelantan... but we here in KB were not worried about it.. we didnt expect the coming flood... in the evening i heard the news about the flood in Gua Musang... but we thought it was just ordinary... but by night, we noticed the water was rising!

12.12.2004
i woke up to find out that water was everywhere, and people were playing in the flood (ok fine, i woke up late.. heheh)... it was like a water festival... its like people welcomed the flood... hahaha... it was amusing to see this... i reached for the phone to call my friend but the phone was dead... nice! maybe something struck the line... fortunately the electricity was fine... i was planning to go to my grandma's house when my aunts family came... they walk all the way from my grandma's house after taking a boat ride from their house... seems that their area was badly flooded and they have to evacuate... i thought they were going to stay here but they decided to go back to my grandma's house so i decided to follow them... we had to walk thru the flood becoz we didnt have any boat or sampan... hahaha... but it was fun that way perhaps... eventhough in some places the water was neck deep...

we reached the house late in the evening... so i had to stay there for the nite... my grandma's house is a kampung house made out of wood... and the house is alleviated about a meter from the ground... and at that time, the water was just below the floor... and still rising... to worst things out, the electricity had been cut off... the TNB said it was to avoid anyone from being electrocuted in the water due to submerged cable... hahah... yes great! but the telephone was fine... and so we all spend the nite in the dark with just the candle light... that nite i couldnt sleep well... i was worried about the water... perhaps everyone couldnt sleep...

around 4 in the morning, i woke up coz i felt something was crawling inside my kain sarong (oh, we all sleep on the floor, coz if the water comes up, we can feel it...) so i grab it with my hand not knowing what it was, then i felt something bit my butt, and then my finger, then only i realized it was a centipede... man it hurts, but i was okay... and kinda funny... hahaha... but then the lipan got out and was crawling around in the dark... and i have to wake up everyone so that no one have to share my pain.. hehehe... the hunt for the biting lipan ended when i crushed it with my bare foot... hahaha a victory!

then my grandma wanted to check out the rising water so she opened one of the window... then she said to me that she saw something big and black was drifting near the front stairs, so i immediately opened the door to check what it was, to our suprise, there's nothing there but the flowing yellowish water... lalala!! i shut the door and went back to sleep... hahaha...

13.12.2004
woke up early, around 7. the water stopped rising and stayed. usually cars and motorcycles can be seen but today's traffic was taken over by boats and sampans... and pedastrian was replaced by swimmers... hahaha.. reminding me of the film, Waterworld... and guess what, it is suck to live in a world filled with water... hahahah... that morning, i had to get in the cold water coz we didnt have anything for breakfast except the tapioca... but we have to pull it out first... hahaha.. it wasnt an easy task though...

oh oh... at this point, something struck me, where the hell are those JPA3 guys, or those responsible for rescuing? or perhaps they should just give out food supplies to ease the victims... but there was none... well... i wanted to believe that there was some other places that needed to be attended perhaps but i know its not... we even heard that there was a family in Penambang, somewhere around here, were standing on the dining table, in their house, avoiding the flood... they called for help but the police said there was not enough boat to rescue them... what the fuck! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR VOTING THE CURRENT STATE GOVERNMENT! hahaha... but well... they said kelantan people likes to suffer... hahaha

ok so after breakfast, i decided to go home, and luckily there's a sampan passing by so i asked for a ride, but they only can get me half way... and the rest of it i had to walk all the way... but its okay, i got to take pictures... but my feet was aching coz i forgot to wear slippers... hahaha...

so the rest of the day i spent my time in the house, looking at people in front of my house swimming and splashing in the muddy water...

14-15.12.2004
so the flood was finally decreasing... but it took 2 days to fully recovered... the roads can be use again and mud is everywhere... even in downtown KB... it was the worst flood in 15 years, but this is my first time to experience it from a flood victim point of view...

so there you have it... my not-so-important narration... well you guys can check out the pics that i took by going to my fotopages... but i cannot upload them right now, maybe i'll upload them when i get back to MMU... yeah... stay tuned!

Days

i like being at home... i can eat whatever i want, how much i want, whenever i want.. hahahha..
i like being at home... i can sleep all day long, or i can go out all nite long...
i like being at home... talking to my mom... (hehehe... )

but...
right now... i'm missing someone that make me feels like blowing up...
yeah i wish i am superman... so that i can fly away and come back here in the comfort of my room in just a blink...

man... the days are crawling like snails... maybe if i put some rocket to the snails then they will move a bit faster... so the phrase will be like this, " man, the days are speeding like snails"... oh you wish!

i miss you! (times how many stars you can count on any given day)

Things.

schizophrenic people can see imaginary friends... and some people can see things they shouldnt see... and some people can read other people's mind... and some other people are just plain blind about people around them...

i can see things... sometimes i can understand things just by looking at them... and i can figure out how to work things just by observing it.. but that is not always true... some other times i will go blank and dont know what to do...

i cant see ghosts though... sometimes i wish i can see them... so to be sure about what i have to believe.. and so to be sure that there are other things that humans must not see...

and sometimes they say that we can hear voices in our heads... if you keep quiet, and lock yourself up in some quiet place, you can hear a ringing sound, a very high pitch one but still you hear it... its just in your head but what make the sound, i am not sure... i used to listen to it for hours and i try to figure where did it come from, or what produce it... perhaps our brain is like a hardisk... it spins and so it produce the sound... or perhaps our skull vibrate to it's natural frequency and hence the sound is absorbed by the ear... but i dont think its the answer... i strongly believe that it is the brainwave that scientist have been talking about... and this brainwave have a certain frequency... and those with the same frequency usually can get along, can understand each other and can become good friends...

oh... i'm talking crap... i know.. i should stop.... i dont want to continue... i'm seeing things...

i'm sorry for not being there to comfort you when you're down... i am really sorry...

Debat Perdana

hahaha.. i'm back in KB... and the nice thing is that its monsoon time and its raining all day long... i like rain so this is the best time of the year... hahaha

i havent been watching tv a lot... i dont want to start watching tv... tv is bad.. but just now i watched debat perdana... a very good show... not that i like the content of it or about the discussions, but i like it becoz it left me pondering about what those old folks up there are thinking about... they talked about racial integration but they keep on dissing each other... they cant even accept other opinions... and the show was a bit bias... they put a pro government as the chairman/host, invite three representative from the ruling government and one from the opposition... and today's opposition's representative was a woman... and it was funny to see how these four men bullied her... it was just not fair.... true, i'm pro BN but we should not do this... let them share their views and opinions...

but one point catch my attention though... to quote it in my own words, racial integration is not all about assimilation, nor it is about toleration, but it is about understanding and co-operation between the races living in this country... and then let me add some to it... total democration is not a good way to run a country... controlled democration is needed... people cant be given full freedom... hahaha... it must be in favour of the rulers.... and then when people got really fed up with the rulers, then revolution will happen... it will be a nice thing to see if it happened in malaysia... malaysia is too peaceful...

todays entry is worthless... dont take any of it...

this two weeks... i hope it will fly like a speeding bullet... hahaha...

The Verdict.

i am like a first timer on a roller coaster... dont know what to expect but am anticipating the thrill ride... sometime along the ride, panic attack took over my body and my heart stop beating, but then at the end everything summed up and the whole fun experience made me happy...

i am like wilbur wright... the curiosity to find out the feeling of flying moves me to keep on trying to build the flying machine... and the minute i took off from the field, adrenaline rushed in and over-excitedness killed all my sense of alertness...

i am like a robot installed with emotion... am learning really hard to use it... or perhaps... to interpret it... and i need a helping hand to guide me... but do not worry... robots dont feel the pain... so its okay maybe...

i am happy... so alive... and i celebrate it with laughter... hahahahahaahhahahahaahhhahha