Stars

the holiday.. it ruins things... things that i dont want to lose... things that i dont even dare imagine it to end/lose/defunct.... i hate holiday... its killing me...

i love holiday... i love doing nothing during the holiday... i love being at home, naked in my room... and looking at the blank ceiling... damn! my ceiling is so boring... maybe i should put something on it... a poster maybe, or some pictures... so that when i lie on my bed i can look at those things...

my life is pathetic... and i am not happy... i dont think i've achieve enough... i'm incompetent without the sense to fight... i'm a quitter... because i know if i struggle i wont succeed anyway... so it is better for me to give up and walk away...

good things... it only come to me once, and in a form of somekind of a miracle... because it will come only when i least expecting it, or not expecting it at all, what so ever... and often, those good things that came to me are something that i never wished for... and things that i wish wont turn into something solid... it will never... not in a million years... fuck! yeay yeay i know there a people who arent as lucky as i am, who live without clothes, without food... yeay i've heard it... but i'm just stating my opinion here, and its about my own life, my own feelings, not yours... and who are you to tell me what i'm feeling... what i'm thinking... everything here happens only in my mind... and so you dont have even the slightest idea of whats going on...

i hate being put in a situation where i have to chose... i'd rather be a gambler than being a decision maker whom decision will be always be wrong, no matter what the decision was... my free will is somewhat restricted, kind of stuck in between...

i was a man of principal, but right now i am a man with no goal... nothing to hold on to... i used to have lots and lots of ideas of how i am going to get through my life, but right now i think all of those ideas wont work in this reality...

in fact, all my rumblings above are worthless... nothing extra ordinary, non avant garde... i am trying so hard to sound eccentric when i am actually a flat carpet on the floor... and yes! what you are thinking about me is true, your assumption about me is true! Correct! 100%! Bravo to you for being a good judgemental people of our society...

i'm taking this too seriously... its not serious at the first place... its just a matter of trying my luck... with no strings attached.. but now, i'm being too serious... why? cause i'm gaining confidence and i'm realizing the honesty... and so, i think i'll lower my level of seriousness back to where it should be... prioritize it back... it shouldnt be on the top of the list... its wrong... ethically speaking...

i like this... yeah... when i'm in somekind of bad feeling, i tend to think a lot, talk a lot and thus, writes a lot.. i miss it.. i miss this burst of ideas... well, when people is in the peace state, they'll go numb and weak... i think i should always be a miserable lad... it works better on me that way... *sighhhhhhhhh*