hmm...

its been quite some time now that i didnt post something here... well its not that i was too buzy or what.. but its just that i dont have the time to write what i've been thinking... coz things went on a very rapid flow... its like a flash of strong light.. it burns your retina but just for a while you recovered...

hmm well there is no meaning at all.. all the things that i've done lately... there is not a single point to it... i was just like messing around with myself... with things that might hurt me... and it did hurt... i know.. i was familiar with the pain... i knew back then that i shouldnt mess with it... but still i like to take the risk... and i think it was bearable... i still can handle it... or well.. maybe...

the problem with me is that i dont have a very strong ego... i said that i will do this, but instead i cant stick to what i've decided... i have two inner thoughts and both of it will fight against each other each time i came up with a decision... but which one will win will depends on my ego... but then... my ego... my self esteem... is right above zero... and so it is hard... i was easily broken...

damn... so i took the courtesy to blow away the fading light of hope... but well maybe i will be the one who lighten it up yet again.. even though i know it is/was always a false hope... a fabricated one... and who fabricated it..?? again it is me... my assumptions leads into that false hope fabrication... and i was trapped by it.. see how silly i am..?? weird... actually everything was going on inside of me... it was just a part of my imagination... imaginary hope... but why..?? why did i fell for it... stupid dumbfuck me... i guess...

hmph... if i keep on writing this, it will be more and more depressing... so i better stop it right about here....