huh...

it's 5 o'clock in the morning... thursday morning... it's drizzling outside... the raindrops are small and lightweight... i just walked through it and it felt like something was tapping on my shoulders with a soft and caring gestures... but somehow i can feel that it was a sad one... the drizzles are like cold tears... a tear that have been going on for ages until the heat was lost already... and the ground was like bleeding with water... the flow was slow as if the water was very thick... thick with all the emotions thats been going on, on the surface of it... somehow the raindrops managed to absorb all of it and washed it away... owh the emotion... with its departure it promise a comeback... always... with the sun shining brightly it will turn up the heat again... imbueing everything with its fury...

well i dont know... the weather really effect us emotionally... its a myth perhaps but thats what im feeling... the rain signify what im feeling rite now... im killing my time... wasting time is not a sin if you cant do something with it at the moment... everyone is sleeping and im stuck here typing out words that i myself dont know where it come from... its called spontaneus writing of an idle mind... let your fingers dance on its own...

i want to sleep... i hope i can sleep... but i hope i can still wake up tomorrow... i still want to continue my pathetic little life... its something i cannot choose... i cant even choose my motive... my life is not mine... i cant have a full control over it.... why..? coz i keep thinking that i cant do anything right for now... everything good seems to go pass me and find someone else.... its everything in my mind... i can behold that super power that once i believed i had... for when you are once at the top without having to do anything and then suddenly you found out that you are lying under a giant's foot, pressed deeply into the ground, then you might have that psychological effect of losing hope on yourself... and believing that you've been there once... so its enough already... and accepts your current state... and with that everything you ever dreamed of going higher will just sweeps away...

i have nothing to lose right now coz i have nothing to believe on... and i've lost everything when i had things to believe... how ironic...