hmm... i shud be working on my assgmt actually at this moment... but somehow i aint got the mood yet... owh hell... i never have the mood to do something that relates to my studies... hahaha... heck i need to change.. i gotta change...
urgh currently listening to time lapse consortium's rendition of A Certain Shades of Green... damn so good... arghh... cant wait for the 16th to come... but i got a submission on the 14th... kinda hope that 14th is 'after' 16th... but it's good though... coz i can enjoy the concert without having to think about work anymore... or so i think...
hmm... for the past few days i'm beginning to feel that something was going on in me that i am not ready to comprehend yet... well its just the feeling... its not quite certain... and when everything is going according to what i wish for, something strange will happen... suddenly the past revisited me.. not that i dont wanna remember it but for this moment i just dont want to be reminded... for now my view is facing forward and everything behind me will go unnoticed.... i might lose the chance of getting what i want before... well perhaps it would be great if it happens... but not now... the timing was always not right... well theres still this faint hope in me wishing that it will someday come true but that's what i've been trying to do now... trying to eliminate it totally... well today it let me know that it still exist and would burst into flame if i dont handle it quickly... or perhaps i need that 'fire extinguisher' to decisively eliminate it... owh but then again i found out that i have some trouble in handling this so-called 'fire-extinguisher'... my instinct tells me that i've found it... but i just dont know how to obtain in... needless to say that i dont know how to handle it properly even if i can get a grip on it... but i really really do think that its the perfect one... owh god help me find a way...
heck you might be thinking that i'm such a sensitive pathetic little prick that cannot handle even those tiny interruption.... hell yeah i'm sensitive... so what do you know about being one..? i'm sensitive coz i need to be... so that i wont get hurt really badly... a kind of homeopathic treatment for my soul/heart... had a pinch of pain to counter that great pain... for some, homeopathy was not a good idea afterall... but i find it as very interesting and worth a try... hahahaha...
have you ever think of changing yourself... changing your routines and attitudes... mainly towards a better one... to be the person who follow standards and all.... and when you are trying to do it, everything seems to hold you back... obstacles are everywhere... just popping out of nowhere... none of these happens when you are ignorant... but its your conscience that revealed those.... owh and of coz singular effort wont make it... when your shout for help there's nothing except your voice echoing back to you... true... you have to make it yourself... but motivation comes in form of solid entity that you can see and reach out... for if somebody come to you when you really in need, it will appear as angel... coming down to earth, shadowing you with its mighty wings...
i want to change... i am ready to change... but as always, i hate the effort... i'm somebody with no effort at all... can i gain it..? we'll see... maybe i'm the only person in this world who dont like to do things with effort... having no effort is totally different from being lazy... laziness is a term used for people who dont even want to do things... but effortless is someone who wants to do things but dont have the effort... both are bad but being effortless is something that will appear as kool... well thats my opinion... for me its enough if i can do something.... i mean i can DO it... not being exceptional or outstanding... i dont care if i'm good, what matters is that i can do it... and this wont fit in todays social paradigm... what society of today are aftering for is the outstanding accomplishment... the success... the pinnacle of your life when you are higher than everyone else... and people acknowledge you as a super person... none of this takes account the contentment factor... who are you to justify someones success if the person himself thinks that what he have today is enough... eventhough its not outstanding or spectacular...
the difference between being outstanding and being satisfied is that, you will never feel the contentment of doing something if you keep on craving to be the best, to be the greatest and thus you will never progress from that particular field... ironically, if you crave for satisfaction, then you will have the fun and enjoys doing it, whilst you are ready to jump into another field to discover your capabilites and potential... owh crap... this is so crappy... think i 'll stop here before somebody comes to me and gave me a punch on the face as a reality check for me...
those are my just my cognitive view on what happening around me... i dont expect people to accept it... and i dont even care if you hate me for that...
stop... here...