hmm... i'm supposed to be studying but it seems that i cant focus my attention to it... my mind keep on drifting into another dimension... into the dilemma that only i understand... i mean... i know what the dilemma is but i dont know how to deal with it.... it's the state of uncertainty on how to deal with the uncertain... the only possible way is to confront it and get the objective and decisive answer... and i'm lacking the courage to do so... and the problem loop itself... i dont know...

i always look for the signs... to move me into doing something i need some positive feedbacks... if not i will stay immobile...
but in this case... i think i should give out the signs first... and make sure it will be received well and clear.... the question is... do i have to go straight to my true intention..?? or do i have to hide behind the cloak of friendship..?? i've done the latter and the result really gave me a painful experience... and really really effect my perceptions towards relationships... i've learn my lesson but still i'm not sure...

am i lacking self confidence..?? am i running out of self-esteem..??? well perhaps yes... yes is the best answer when we are referring to relationship... i have the tendency of thinking that people will look at me and judge me as someone who dont have anything... someone who dont stand out from the rest... i mean i dont have any prominent achievement or whatever that the society would look up to me and say WOW he's great... and the truth is i really dont have any... to show off or to brag about... ( basically it's the same )...

well... for now u might be thinking... what the hell was wrong with me... there's nothing wrong with me... it's not wrong to be an under-achiever... what if i say i dont like people to notice me... by staying low... while everybody wants to be found...
hmmm... i dont like it... i dont like the way people have to fake everything... faking smile towards each other that'll end up to be something really awkward when you really have to smile.... a really awkward conversation with someone who you just know and trying to keep the talk going... and how embarrassing will it be when you are being judged by someone who dont really know you ( and yet... actually you liked that person ) as someone who dont know how to converse properly... and received a not-so-fair punishment... well i dont mind about it.. perhaps that's how society works..

owh... i have a test on thursday... and i dont even have a clue about the subject yet... and i'm still collecting my determination to study... hahaha... shit... i'm so lazy.... super lazy... laziness is my hobby... and yet everyone claims that...
stereotypically and technically everyone said that... i dont know whether they're trying to be modest by stating it or it's just plain true... again there is nothing certain... ok...

i'll end here... and again my mind float into the realms of idleness...